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On explaining away supposed alcoholism

19 Apr

So before anything gets rolling here, I feel I need to explain away the name of my blog- as well as my username, if we’re being nitpicky. For all you self-righteous evangelical coots masquerading as college students an frowning upon my blatant reference to underage alcohol consumption, I wish I could tell you to take your comments somewhere dark and not fit for mixed company- but, sadly, the name has very little to do with

Balling So Hard

and more to do with… Well… Academia. Let me explain-

As anyone who’s attended an institution of higher learning for more than a fortnight can truthfully tell you, every single college student will, at some point, hit rock bottom. This is the point where said coed will look around at his or her life and truly just want to burst into tears- you’re on so much adderall you don’t remember what food tastes like, and you haven’t even had a chance to Netflix HIMYM to unwind in God knows how long. Your coffee table is overrun with snotty napkins, half-assed (and half-completed, really) assignments, and dirty dishes with remnants of whatever morsels of nothing you’ve managed to choke down at some point over the last two weeks. Your hair is clean only because you stay up so late studying, your days combine and you actually have enough time to shower. You have coerced yourself into believing this is a better state to live in than the simply extremely stressed ‘undeclared major’ asshole across the hall, since you are not only more awake, but clean. This is not true, though- you are, in reality, living on literally nothing but amphetamines and willpower. You manage to continue on this downward spiral of self-destruction and ineffective pursuit of knowledge for as long as you can, but eventually you realize- this has to stop. You are actually at the lowest point you could possibly reach, short of dropping out or actually taking one too many Tylenol and dying of liver failure. The time has come to rejoin the living, no matter how far behind you still are- and this is where I come in.

Of course, upon deciding to embark on a journey of self- improvement and healthy recovery, there’s always that tricky little footnote- getting from point 6 feet below A to point B is a lot harder than it looks. I’m here to tell you how it’s done. (Of course, I shan’t disclose whether or not I know so much about living at the bottom of the prodigal hill of life because I’ve ever spent time there… But you do the math.) From sharpie-ing #YOLO on your forehead and heading off to the local bar to karaoke away your problems to sitting down and doing something inane like folding laundry, I’ve got all the tips and tricks to passing Orgo without passing out… Too many times.

I can’t make any promises… But I can try my best to prevent as many overachieving future fratstars and philosophy students from being harmed as possible.