Archive | April, 2012

The Pros and Cons of Taking A Foreign Language (other than French or Spanish)

24 Apr

Chances are, my friend, if you attend any kind of normal university- you’re going to have to take at least two semesters of a foreign language. And no, Kappa Sigma pledge… that does not mean you can take Spanish I, make an A, and then re-take it two years later. Two semesters, levels one-then-two, of all the best things about college- confusion, conjugations, and the pursuit of the perfect excuse to get you out of that class up until the week before finals. Of course, the most popular languages to take are the romance languages- easily conjugated, almost all the same letters as the English Alphabet, and the newfound (though usually misguided) confidence in your ability to ‘bag it’ or ‘make him sweat’. For those brave enough to consider taking one of your school’s other, more difficult languages, though… here are some pros and cons of following through in your wildly uncommon pursuit of rarely-spoken fluency.

PRO: It’s something fun to use when showing off to people you want to show off for. Generally, whether it’s in front of pledges or your new girlfriend’s parents, delightedly rattling off ‘hi, my name is’ in literally any language BUT English, Spanish, or French makes you sound eight million times more interesting. This is a fact.

CON: You probably won’t learn much more than how to introduce yourself. Unless you’re actually one of those people who wants to learn a foreign language, you’re not going to gain anything useful from the class.

PRO: There’s no other class to be compared to, so you’ll probably get a good grade. Remember that one English class you took in high school where the teacher constantly compared everything you did to another class period? If your class is rare enough, you’re the only class period… and therefore less likely to get lower grades out of exasperation or unfair comparisons. You’re also more likely to get the only professor, so you can’t end up with the only mean Profesora out of the twenty or so your school has hired.

CON: Since you’re the only class, you’re much more likely to end up with that one professor on campus who doesn’t speak a word of english. Remember when I mentioned earlier how little you’ll learn? Most likely, your professor treated English class the same way. Say goodbye to effective levels of communication for the next fifteen weeks, because literally everything you say is going to get lost in translation.

On explaining away supposed alcoholism

19 Apr

So before anything gets rolling here, I feel I need to explain away the name of my blog- as well as my username, if we’re being nitpicky. For all you self-righteous evangelical coots masquerading as college students an frowning upon my blatant reference to underage alcohol consumption, I wish I could tell you to take your comments somewhere dark and not fit for mixed company- but, sadly, the name has very little to do with

Balling So Hard

and more to do with… Well… Academia. Let me explain-

As anyone who’s attended an institution of higher learning for more than a fortnight can truthfully tell you, every single college student will, at some point, hit rock bottom. This is the point where said coed will look around at his or her life and truly just want to burst into tears- you’re on so much adderall you don’t remember what food tastes like, and you haven’t even had a chance to Netflix HIMYM to unwind in God knows how long. Your coffee table is overrun with snotty napkins, half-assed (and half-completed, really) assignments, and dirty dishes with remnants of whatever morsels of nothing you’ve managed to choke down at some point over the last two weeks. Your hair is clean only because you stay up so late studying, your days combine and you actually have enough time to shower. You have coerced yourself into believing this is a better state to live in than the simply extremely stressed ‘undeclared major’ asshole across the hall, since you are not only more awake, but clean. This is not true, though- you are, in reality, living on literally nothing but amphetamines and willpower. You manage to continue on this downward spiral of self-destruction and ineffective pursuit of knowledge for as long as you can, but eventually you realize- this has to stop. You are actually at the lowest point you could possibly reach, short of dropping out or actually taking one too many Tylenol and dying of liver failure. The time has come to rejoin the living, no matter how far behind you still are- and this is where I come in.

Of course, upon deciding to embark on a journey of self- improvement and healthy recovery, there’s always that tricky little footnote- getting from point 6 feet below A to point B is a lot harder than it looks. I’m here to tell you how it’s done. (Of course, I shan’t disclose whether or not I know so much about living at the bottom of the prodigal hill of life because I’ve ever spent time there… But you do the math.) From sharpie-ing #YOLO on your forehead and heading off to the local bar to karaoke away your problems to sitting down and doing something inane like folding laundry, I’ve got all the tips and tricks to passing Orgo without passing out… Too many times.

I can’t make any promises… But I can try my best to prevent as many overachieving future fratstars and philosophy students from being harmed as possible.